Just another ordinary miracle.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

9:20 PM

went to church today.. no cell. so reached there at abt 1pm. haha.

feeling bored now.. and thinking abt things again. I guess you can say I like to think, and probably like to think TOO much. and often, I feel tt many things has happened because of smth wrong I did, I blame myself alot.

I used to find self worth when others treated me as friend. why? I hate the feeling of rejection. I am somewht the kind who can sense bad or good things happen.. and this makes things worse. when I feel tt rejection, I get dejected but try not to show it. becos I will plaster tt smile on my face, in hope tt others will accept me tt way. and this fear of being rejected, has been in me since I was young. becos when I was young, others thought I was weird. and gradually, I believed in wht others thought of me. I believed tt no one will wanna b my friend, becos of my weirdness.

I became mean. of cos not in front of others, but in my heart. I always had bad thoughts. thoughts which no one will ever know abt. but after awhile I felt, this wasn't wht I want to be. I want to be a better person. I wanna find back the innocence of a child. the joy n happiness a child experiences. and tt was when, I told myself. I will change for the better. I will erase those bad thoughts out of my mind..

eventually I managed to do it. call it amazing, but when you believe in smth, it does affect the chances of it happening. I believed tt I can change. and I did. for the better. it wasn't easy of cos.. took me more than just a few days. in fact, it took a couple of years.. reminding myself why I shld change, and also of the advantages it can bring to my life. joy, happiness, friends.. things money will never be able to buy.

and now, occasionally this thought still comes back to me. the thought tt ppl hate me. detest me. for reasons I do not know abt. but I try my best to tell myself, tt it's ok. because I have been accepted by God. and who shld call smth God accepted, as unacceptable?

and I also reflect on my thoughts, of unacceptance towards others (eg. being racist). and I can identify with wht they feel. because I was once rejected by my whole class. like wht I always tell my gd friends, my childhood started at secondary school. primary school was actually a torture. amazing but true.

and I thank God tt even when I hv no one to turn to, at least I can talk to Him.

just some of my thoughts down in words.